Crime and punishment

Kenya, near Makuyu, 60km from Nairobi

Having no children of my own puts me in a perfect position, I think, to pass judgement on how to raise children correctly and, more importantly, to objectively point out where parents are going wrong in their own efforts at parenting.  This constructive and impartial criticism is, I feel, a valuable service; particularly for new parents.  It is, after all, important to listen to outside views if you want to take parenting at all seriously.

I’m joking!  You can stop sharpening the rusks into daggers and emptying the rattle into an IED.  Dora the Explorer need not switch careers into Dora the Assassin.  Worry not, I’m the last person you’ll ever hear trotting out the limp cliché ‘everyone’s opinion is valid’, the motto on the flag of the fictional Nation of Cretin.  In the Nation of Cretin everyone’s opinion is valid, no matter how ill informed, illogical, or evidence free the opinion may be.  One result, among many, is that creationism is taught on the same science syllabus as evolution. It’s a good job the Nation of Cretin is virtually every nation on earth a fictional place, otherwise I fear I might start receiving death threats from its citizens – the cretinites.  Having said that, I am tempted to post that first paragraph onto Mumsnet, perhaps supplemented with a five point parenting plan. I think receiving a death threat in crayon and alphabet spaghetti would be rather fun.

So, having established my non-credentials in the raising of children I’d still like to share with you what, in my non-credible opinion, is the most effective (and funniest) piece of child discipline I’ve ever seen.  Little Daniel is five years old, and he has a sweet tooth. That’s him in the picture below, cute huh? He was caught with a pocket full of sugar that he’d pilfered from the kitchen, and was sitting in a dark corner licking it off his fingers.  I thought this, in itself, was pretty funny, but the punishment he received from Zach (Orphanage Manager whom Helen childishly, although accurately, keeps accusing me of having a bro-mance with), was even funnier.  Little Daniel was forced to wear a sign around his neck  and carry a cup of sugar around the compound before having to stand on the stage in the dining room with a torch played onto the sign.  He was embarrassed, he was teary, and he was ridiculed by his peers.  He’ll get over all these things.  He stole - that’s bad news even if it was just sugar.  Hopefully he won’t do it again, and therefore the punishment fitted the crime.  Just my opinion.

The sign reads: This is my story… My name is Daniel.  I love sweet things and I am a thief.  Like today I stole sugar (also maize and beans) in the kitchen.  You better watch out, I might come after you. 

<We have a winner! From the veritable deluge of two whole entries for the ‘dunny debate’ in a previous post it is after much careful consideration that the plaudits go to Matt, despite strong competition from Rhi.  I urge you to read both comments, but it was Matt’s invention of new African proverbs that snaffled him first place.  Matt (and I think I know which Matt this is) – you are a scholar and a gentleman, and we miss you and R very much. By way of a prize here is a proverb just for you:  Sometimes the gloss of friendship presents itself as Matt. >     

The kids are alright

Kenya, near Mithini, 70km from Nairobi

Kenyan 4th XI.  Spot the odd one out.

There are nine children who currently live at the orphanage, seven of whom are orphans from the local area, and two of whom (Alice and Stephen) are the children of the night guard, Albert, a board and lodgings deal that’s part of his employment contract.  There are three sibling pairings (Peter and Francis, Jecinta and Bonifus, Esther and Joseph) and Josphat (nicknamed ‘nmm nmm nmm’ by Helen on account of the noise he makes when eating mangoes).    They range in ages from three to fourteen, and all attend a local school called St. Teresa’s.

You may be expecting me now to cut to the ‘serious VT’, with a backing track by Adele or Coldplay, telling you their tragic stories, and urging you to pick up the phone NOW.  Well, their stories are tragic, but that was their past, and their future looks brighter, and what strikes me most is not that they are orphans, but that they are just normal kids. They’re sweet and they giggle, they love singing, sometimes they fight, they always make a mess, and they break stuff. They smile much more than they frown. That’s a cause for celebration, and a ringing endorsement for Watoto Wa Baraka in my book.  And though I realise this isn’t the done thing, I do have a favourite – 4 year old Bonifus, who does indeed have a bonny face.  A stocky little fella who reminds me of my nephew Ben, he has the following charming characteristics:

• He’s an eating machine. Bonifus really does fill the Dickensian orphan stereotype of ‘please sir, can I have some more’?  He’d make a terrible dinner party guest as for Bonifus dinnertime is not about socialising, about discussing house prices, and about pretending to have an opinion on wine beyond ‘nice body, good on the nose, will get me pissed enough to throw my keys in the bowl’.  Dinnertime for Bonifus is about eating.  If he’s too tired to lift his spoon, he just gets his sister to do it for him, silently masticating.  Then he falls asleep at the dinner table whilst the other kids are singing their post-dinner songs. I envy him.
• His monkey impression is ‘hee-haw, hee-haw, hee-haw’ suggesting to me that he has been part of a social experiment that tests what would happen if every time you showed a child a monkey you told them it was a donkey.
• He has just one word of English – ‘catch’, and follows me around with a tennis ball repeating it until we play.  Next on the curriculum are ‘howzat’ and the song ‘he swings to the left, he swings to the right, Mitchell Johnson’s bowling is shite’ 

Bonifus - on the far left. Anticipating food.

And so as the heading suggests, these kids really are alright.  That wasn’t always the case, but it is now. And we’re just here to lend a hand wherever we can to ensure that their future is more important than their past.  I realise that sounds sanctimonious so I’ll counterbalance it with the sharpest quip I’ve ever heard from a hawker, in the nearest large town, Thika.  Helen was walking along holding hands with one of the orphans, nine year old Jecinta, when the hawker shouted out ‘hey, Angelina Jolie, how’s California’?  Watch out Jon Stewart.

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Special feature! Inappropriate t-shirt of the week. 

I couldn’t help but have a little ironic chuckle to myself when I saw one of the clothing donations proudly sported by the staff and the children – a job lot of black t-shirts bearing the logo ‘Slim Pledge’.  Seems to be some type of American based weight loss initiative, with curiously Masonic undertones.  In a continent infamous for distressing images of famine and malnourishment I’m pretty certain the dictates of the ‘Slim Pledge’ initiative would be laughed all the way up the Nile. A humourous (albeit darkly) rather than insensitive donation I think.

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